ILI: History Makers Leadership Podcast

Ep. 34 | Prioritizing Family Values for Thriving Christian Leadership

• International Leadership Institute • Season 1 • Episode 34

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Unlock the secrets to thriving leadership through learning to prioritize your family. Shannon Jackson and Norival Trindade guide you through the transformative effects of integrating family priorities into your leadership. In this episode, we examine six essential characteristics of healthy families.

  1. Strong Commitment 
  2. Time together 
  3. Communication 
  4. Appreciation 
  5. Solving problems 
  6. A Shared Spiritual Life 

We speak candidly about the challenges and pressures facing families today, including peer pressure and the balancing act between education and spiritual growth. Norival and Shannon's discussion underscores the importance of nurturing strong family values to foster biblically literate adults who are resilient against cultural pressures.

Discover how modern technology can bridge geographical gaps and strengthen family ties, offering a lifeline of connection that previous generations on the mission field could only dream of. Through personal stories, we share the power of effective communication and intentional family time, emphasizing a culture of grace and honesty within the home. 

As we explore characteristics vital for strong family relationships, we also provide practical tools to help you assess and improve your family dynamics. Our insights aim to enhance your leadership skills by strengthening your family's foundation, ensuring you don't just succeed in ministry but thrive at home.



Resources mentioned in this podcast:


When you begin ILI training, you will discover how the Eight Core Values will lead to the Seven Outcomes in your life and the lives of those you lead. Join a community of leaders who are ready to change history and make an impact in this world. Discover more at ILITeam.org/connect.


Speaker 1:

Welcome to the History Makers Leadership Podcast, where we explore the transformative journey that is leadership. Each episode, we will dive deep into strategies, stories, insights and the core values that shape and inspire effective Christian leaders who make an impact all around the globe. This podcast is brought to you by the International Leadership Institute. Get ready to unlock your leadership potential and let's change history together.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome to the History Makers Leadership Podcast, where we talk about leadership and help you unlock your leadership potential. This is am Norev Altrundadji. I am ILI's vice president for training and I got Shannon Jackson. We're both co-hosts at this podcast.

Speaker 3:

Exciting to be here with all of you guys as we go deeper into our leadership practices today, focusing on keeping our families a priority.

Speaker 2:

Yes, One of our eight core values and historically it was very interesting because we came up with seven core values and it felt like it was perfect. But then somebody said wait, we cannot leave the family out of this, because family priority is so important for leaders. Right.

Speaker 2:

Family priority is so important for leaders and that's how it became eight core values, when God gave us the inspiration to include a family priority. Because the truth is, a lot of leaders Christian leaders, biblical leaders are successful in their ministry but end up having less success, or even failure, in the family, and we don't want that to happen to us do we?

Speaker 3:

No, absolutely not, and I'm so glad that family priority was added. It's one of the perks of this ministry is the reminder and the teaching on how to keep our families a priority, because it's something we don't often look at until it's in trouble, you know yes.

Speaker 2:

And one of the things that happened a lot in our training. Oftentimes people come to a leadership training and they want to hear all about leadership and they don't expect that family priority segment or part, and deep transformations have happened in entire families because of that.

Speaker 3:

Wow. So I know a little bit, obviously, because I work here. But for those tuning in with us, can you share, like where did it come from? Like where did our research come from?

Speaker 2:

Well, one of the things that we teach at the session on family priority that has been very impactful is a research that is it's not even a Christian research. It was done by Stinnett and Dufresne, two authors from the University of Nebraska in the United States, and they've put together a questionnaire and they've applied it to a number of people, first in the US, but then it started spreading around and they have validating studies in several continents, in several countries Western cultures, developing countries, all kinds of scenarios and there's a common thread, and the common thread of healthy families are these six characteristics, and this is what we want to talk about in this episode is just share with you what is common out there. In fact, if you Google characteristics of good families, most of the top results will be related to this particular study.

Speaker 3:

Wow, you know, for me, I'm coming from the perspective of a mom with teenagers, and as I was preparing for this, I was reminded of some statistics that I saw recently where the world in which we're raising our children in right now, 51% of churchgoers don't know the great commission. Only 30 something percent can even point it out when it's written down on a piece of paper, and then 61% of practicing Christians actually agree with new, new age spirituality, and so something I've started considering is how I'm raising my children in the world in which they are going to go out and be adults in, and how they can make an impact, even with such staggering statistics.

Speaker 2:

That's true, and, shannon, something that you've reminded me of is that we have, in our cultures, a lot of us have outsourced the raising of your children to the school, yeah, which means we have delegated that task to the state, and and I have a good friend who teaches education by values, by principles, and he talks about a tripod that the the greatest influence in the children are number one family and parents, number two school and number three church, and healthy and strong adults need those three sources of knowledge and experience. And maybe because we have neglected the church and the family part and have delegated too much of it perhaps to the school, that's where we end up with adults like that, that don't really, that are biblically illiterate.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely, and even when I was doing some research and I feel this personally, so I would be in this category. The number one concern for parents today is peer influence. It was over 35% that that was their concern of where the influence for the children was coming from. More than digital media, more than video games or the like, it was that peer-to-peer relationship generally that comes from the school and what other kids are learning at school.

Speaker 2:

Well, in that sense it didn't change because we're in different seasons of life. You have teenager sons. My quote unquote kids are 40 and 38. Right, and so they are already grown. They have their own families. In fact, when we talk about teenagers, very soon my oldest grandson is going to be a teenager. And I got to tell you this because when you talked about peer pressure, I can go back to and social media and all of that, but some things don't change, right, and that pressure from peers around which goes both ways, or if they're raised in a godly family that is strong, like these characteristics they will be the influence and they will exercise positive influence in their friends.

Speaker 3:

You're absolutely right and even as you're sharing this, it makes me think of my own influences as a parent, because different cultures and different people in different regions of the world, in America, and political affiliations raise their children differently, to believe different things and to have different worldviews, and so even trying to live within these six characteristics, which I know we're going to go into, is counterculture. So even trying to live and raise a family as a parent is to go against what those peer influences are within the world that we live in.

Speaker 2:

That is true, and so let's try and look at this. Let me read all the six, and then we'll go through them and talk a little about them, and I can tell right now that we've got more than one episode to talk about this. So, for those watching, get ready for episode number two, because we're going to talk about this research a little bit, but then we're going to come back and continue the conversation and talk about how each of these characteristics plays out in our own families, either where we grew up or the families that we are raising ourselves. So just a reminder. So they did the research, they asked this question of thousands of people worldwide, and the result was that strong families have these characteristics.

Speaker 2:

Number one was there is a strong commitment to the family. Number two, they spend time together. Number three, there's good communication. Number four, there's appreciation and affection for each other. And then, number five, there's an ability to solve problems. Healthy families are good at solving problems. And then the last one, which is very interesting and I heard that it surprised the researchers is a shared spiritual life. Wow, right. So let's begin with that strong commitment. Let me say this, let me hear from you first, and then I'll share me how strongly committed?

Speaker 3:

have you been to your family, I would say? We don't use things like divorce. We don't talk about leaving each other within the family when we have struggles. Joey, my husband and I are always, even if we're not on the same page, more often than not in front of the children. We're a solid, strong family unit and I believe I think part of being committed strongly is also to encourage each other, because you're committed to each other's success, and so within my family personally, we try to always champion each other's strengths and we also try to communicate about the things maybe that others are doing that's getting on our nerves or bothering us or whatever, because we don't want there to be tension within our family, but we also don't want to ignore the great things that we can celebrate together.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's about that making a family a priority and that's why one of the things that we emphasize when we teach our material is not that we're not teaching about how to raise your family, but we're we want to help you prioritize your family, which is this first characteristic that you're a strong. Priority is your family.

Speaker 3:

Well, if I could just jump in and ask you a question, um, cause I would love to know and just a little give a little context to your life. You, your family, doesn't live on the same continent as you and you are a very busy but successful adult with adult children. So I just wonder how did you stay so committed?

Speaker 2:

Well, first of all, in the first probably 30 years, probably 30 years, Uh no, the first 25 years of my marriage and our family, um, it was another era. We were, we were living together. We moved to a different place. Um, we moved within Brazil, Then we moved to the U? S when I went to seminary. Then we moved to Paraguay, but we were all together. Wow, okay and uh, and it was during that season it was. It was about staying together. We, we do things together, we encourage each other.

Speaker 2:

We we build up and and I had a privilege of having been taught great principles that helped me raise my family, but, yes, you're right. Principles that helped me raise my family, but, yes, you're right. Once we move to the United States, then I will have to show this on camera. These things, these devices, have become a blessing to us because we can stay committed to the family and stay in contact. It is very important. I even wonder how, how it was, you know, 150 years ago, when people actually left their families and went to the mission field Right by boat, by boat, and then, you know, 12 years later, they would come home and meet their families, or even five years later. And so, yes, that was not my context, unfortunately, because it would have been a lot harder, because that commitment to staying together, to investing in each other's lives, is very important. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And so the second one is about that is, spending enjoyable time together, and again, facetime or WhatsApp or, you know, other video platforms, allow us that amazing privilege of being able to be a part of our children and, for me, even our grandchildren's lives.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, absolutely. I think it's so important to show up, because I think spending time together is also just showing up in various ways for each other, whether it's through sporting events, whether it's through church situations or experiences like baptism and things like that. So spending that time together and having fun together. So often you can hear from people outside of Christian faith where they think being a Christian is boring and not fun. And my all you you don't know who my friends are because, uh, being Christians and you know, having great commitment to our family also means having a lot of fun together and doing fun things.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and and um and, but one of one of the things I believe that are important is this particular investment in the family. Now, we have you're an interesting, you have an interesting life and we I observe you and some of the folks behind the cameras are part of your, of your inner circle, of of friends and brothers and sisters in the church, and you do a lot of stuff together. You uh, daniel, is our other co-host here in the podcast and you guys camp together and do all of that and I believe that's that's great for the family.

Speaker 2:

But at the same time, um, I believe you will have your times when it's about you and joey yep and your boys, and, and, and then maybe, you know, you'll bring in some part of your extended family yeah, to be together, absolutely. Thing for us. There are some seasons where it's us with my mother-in-law or my mother, who are both are still alive, right, and so that intentionality, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3:

I think, it's.

Speaker 2:

I believe it's part of this time spending enjoyable time together, doing it intentionally.

Speaker 3:

Right and you know, just speaking pretty bluntly here, there may be seasons in your life where spending quality alone time with your family does not sound fun or exciting. There could be tension in your marriage, there could be some situation with your children where you're not sure how to process or handle that situation, and that kid might even be on your nerves. And I would challenge people to reach out to someone for prayer in that kind of a season and force yourself to make that investment in your family, because there's been times I mean, we all have our situations in our marriages and there's been seasons where Joey and I have, you know, we needed to go on vacation together, but we didn't know that we needed that and we would go on vacation just he and I and the kids, and we would come back and it was like being married all over again. It was such a refreshing and renewing time where just making that investment and taking that quality time with with him and with the kids, just you know it, can really revitalize your family life.

Speaker 2:

And again it's about that intentionality, it's about setting plans, to be together. Yeah, let's look at the fourth one now, because it I think it. Or the third one, which is good communication, oh boy, yeah, that's a that's a tough one.

Speaker 2:

Now, you mentioned something about you have teenager sons, and it was interesting because I'm trying to imagine now. Now your boys are wonderful, but I'm sure they're not wonderful all the time. They're not and I started trying to imagine you in these moments's. Spending time together is not necessarily the most pleasant thing, and I transported myself back to when my now adult children were teenagers.

Speaker 2:

It was the same it was absolutely the same thing. Some of our, some of our conversations were fraught with conflict, but one of the things that I am proud of in my family is that we've always kept channels of communication open.

Speaker 3:

Me too. I think it's a blessing.

Speaker 2:

It is a blessing. How do you do that, though? How do you if you know? I don't know. We tend to assume that everybody's children are like ours.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, we do.

Speaker 2:

They're not. So how do you think we do that? How do we keep channels of communication open?

Speaker 3:

The word coming to my mind is grace. Offer your kids grace from a young age. So when they are acting out, of course we. In my opinion, discipline is important and so you have to discipline, but there's a way to keep that communication open, at least successfully. For me, what has worked is being very honest and very open about all things, but also having grace to where I taught my kids at a very young age to pray and confess their sins, and when they were little they didn't know. That means they were kind of informing me of things they were doing that was wrong. But it was a vulnerability for them because I wanted them to know how to talk to God about the things they were doing when they were wrong. And so there's little things like that.

Speaker 3:

And for me personally, when people ask me because I have with my children, praise God, I have great communication with them and I always explain it to people. That prayer is literally my number one weapon and I ask God you love my kids more than I do. You don't want them to. You know, stray to the left or to the right, they have life versus second Kings. 222 or no two. We've shortened it to be cool. We call it two K, two, two, two. So they know it's uh how King Josiah didn't straight to the left or to the right, but he honored God in all the ways that he did. He lived and um and so with them. Uh, I've just prayed, god, this is the vision that you have for the life to live for you and to honor you.

Speaker 2:

What do I need to do as a parent to help that come to fruition? You know, I love it. I love it how you said prayer, but you said two things about prayer. One you pray for them and obviously I pray for my kids every day and my grandkids but you also said you taught them how to pray at an early age. You taught them to communicate with God and therefore to communicate with you as well. And I'm reminded of something that was I'll tell you a little secret of the Trindade family.

Speaker 3:

Great, we want to hear all of these Ever since my kids were very young.

Speaker 2:

I don't know where it came about, how it happened, but you know, when you you, um, you answer, you ask somebody, why did you do why, why did you do this? And they say, well, just because and we have a saying in our family just because it's not an answer. And so, uh, we've made it a point to never you know like, oh, because I'm your dad and I'm telling you to do so.

Speaker 3:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

That we've somehow God illuminated us to make that decision early in our parenting, and so yeah, just because is not an answer.

Speaker 3:

Because I said so.

Speaker 2:

Because I said so, we don't do that either actually We've never used that weapon, I guess, against our kids, and I believe that's one of the reasons why when they were, you know, when they were in trouble, they felt the freedom to come to us.

Speaker 3:

I agree, because we didn't use our authority inappropriately and maybe that's some advice. You have parental authority in your life, so use it righteously. Ask God, you know, and how should I use the authority that I have? I know we'll go into some more ways that that authority is used in blessings and prayer later on. I know we'll go into some more ways that that authority is used in blessings and prayer later on. But I would just say and challenge if maybe you do always say, because I said so, you know, take that to God and ask God as a leader of your home, trying to raise your children or be a model of Christ to your spouse, is that the best way to utilize your authority and your love for that person? Or as an explanation and and you know because you're right, that helps you communicate. If you can't say because I said so, then that brings in an element of communication where you're explaining, actually explain exactly exactly so and and and again it's I, I love it like these.

Speaker 2:

These, um, these characteristics kind of feed into each other. The next one is appreciation. They express appreciation and I have to say I've been around the world and in a lot of places. This is the toughest one To actually say to your kids I love you, you are important. I love you, you are important. Yes and uh. And so do you have something in your?

Speaker 3:

like do you have a tradition in your family in that regard? Um, so, not in a positive, because we're awesome way. I would say more so.

Speaker 3:

If someone is tense or there's an argument or two people in the family aren't getting along, then we have to share what we appreciate about that person, even if we don't want to. So if the boys are in an argument and I can tell it's been tense for a little bit they have to sit down and talk about what they love about each other and it has to be real. It can't be like real quick, get over this. It has to be authentic and real. And you know just to add, because I'm sure you have yours as well the five love languages is something that we use within our family and, like one of my children, is a words of affirmation person. And there's other gifts, there's other ways to love on that person as well. But to for them to hear what we love about them, to send them messages via text or however that they can read and see these words written about them, really ministers to them where the other person they don't care about, the words they just want to hang out.

Speaker 2:

So the other person. They don't care about the words, they just want to hang out. So, in in my experience, I've seen a transition in my own family from my grandfather, my grandparents, to my parents, to us, to our children, to our grandchildren, where our family has grown in that appreciation. That appreciation Uh, my dad um, who is in heaven right now, was the best father. He was not very expressive unless you were in trouble. When something happened and I got myself in trouble and he would come to me and and if he knew I was in over my head, he wouldn't come with me with discipline, but with support. He would hug me and tell me you know, it'll be okay, it'll be fine. Now I have learned to express my love for my children and my children and their spouses. There's so much more. It's. It's I love you mom, I love you dad. I love you, son.

Speaker 2:

It's such, it's such a common thing in the, in their generation and their families that I'm really proud of, and I modeled some of that, but they've implemented that in their lives as well.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that's great. We we say I love you a lot in my home as well, um, and I think that you know when there's moments that someone needs to be appreciated, um, they do, and my husband is really good about appreciating the boys and sometimes he needs a little bit of reminder, cause I think sometimes dads um can struggle to notice. I don't know if it's like a quality of men or not, but I think, as women, it's good for us and healthy for us if we notice there might be tension, or maybe someone needs that affirmation from their dad, taking a moment and sharing. Hey, I think that you speaking into him or her right now would be really beneficial.

Speaker 2:

Well, we definitely need um your you and and and the sense, the sensitivity of women. My wife is like that. She is uh, you know her, she's got a strong sense of discernment or gift of discernment. Yeah. And she can. She can pick up moods and emotions and all of that, and she will often give me a little nudge, hey he needs you he needs you to do this and, um, and yeah, listen to your spouse.

Speaker 2:

I guess that's the, that's what every husband knows to do Listen to your spouse, absolutely. Now, shannon, we, um we pretty much ran out of time for this first episode and we went into four of the characteristics. We still have to talk about a little more about appreciation, but then ability to solve problems and shared spiritual life. Yeah, and so we will. We will come back and continue this conversation, but for now, if you're interested in the questionnaire that Shannon mentioned, that she took with her, she's going to take with her family.

Speaker 2:

Once we get done recording this, it's available on the University of Nebraska website and we'll put link on the show notes for you. Yeah, and so you can download that and you can do it with your family. Actually, I want to recommend that. Check it, Check it out, do it, see how your family fares. You know what is your strongest, what's your weaker. We all have our weaknesses. Like I said, around the world, expressing appreciation is not a very common thing, right, and so go, try it and evaluate your family. We'll come back and we'll continue to talk about it, but for now, thanks for being with us, thanks for taking the time to listen, and I do hope that this helps you prioritize your family better and take your leadership to the next level.